new beginnings

The longer I'm alive, the longer I realize that the life I'm living is not the way God intended it to be. Too easily I have been tempted and succumbed to sin, and have not been able to escape the consequences that follow. This world, in all of its depravity, has transformed so much since the days of Eden. Knowing that the world would end up like this, He still created it.

Lately I have been so burdened by the world around me and myself. I cannot help but grieve over the fact that humanity is so depraved, that I am so depraved. I struggle with feelings of not wanting to be here anymore, not wanting to take life as it is, not wanting to deal with myself as screwed up and incomplete as I am.

Thankfully, amidst the hopelessness, there is hope. Without it, I would be nothing. For grace has lifted me up, humbled me before my Creator, and now carries me through this life one day at at time.

You reached out and rescued me
Answer to my dreams
and love hung on a cross so we can be

Come now restlessness
and words fail to express
There's nowhere I would rather be than with You

The whole earth falls to its knees
At the sound of Your beautiful name
And all the voices in the world unify today
to bring You this song of praise

I call on You my King
You open Your arms to me
And embrace me like a father to a child

The whole earth falls to its knees
At the sound of Your beautiful name
And all the voices in the world unify today
to bring You this song of praise

Hillsongs, Unify

i think the best kept secrets are those you are too afraid to tell anyone...
the ones that keep you smiling on the outside but hurtin' on the inside
trying to pretend like everything is all right, when in reality, nothing is all right

i think we all go through trails of testing...
some, more than others
and while some of us learn from what we go through
there are the rest of us who never learn, who make the same mistake...
one too many times...

how long will it go on for?
how long until you can become that person you strive to be?
the person you know you were made to be?
how long...?
and what happens if you never make it?
what happens if those who put their trust in you
and those who began a good work in you...
fall away because you are just...simply...not good enough?
not good enough...

how is life to be lived if we do the things we don't want to do?
if we continually hurt those that we love, and those who love us?

i want to be different
i want change
i want to wipe away the complacency
and exchange it for sympathy
i want to feel
i want to be better

but how long will it take?
how long?

hmm....how to put this simply???
...not everything in china fits me... for obvious reasons. =)

where i wish i could be...

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

First Thoughts

Well I've finally decided to start this blog, seeing that I've been procrastinating doing everything else. Let's see...where to begin...

Training for China begins in one week and two days from now - September 1st. In all honesty I am not prepared for this - but I want to be so badly. I know when the time is right my heart and mind will be just a little bit more focused on...well, what needs to be focused on. Now that I have a little time for myself, I realize that this next year could be - and should be - a life changing, turning point for myself. You know...the movers and shakers kind of deal...

I was told once by a close friend that I am not destined for fame or spotlight - I was shaken by this fact, because like plenty of others out there, I craved the satisfaction, admiration and awe from those around me. My friend told me this simple truth about my life: That I was destined to be a pioneer. No spotlights, no fame, no glory. I've learned to accept that fact, and I guess that is why teaching (for now, at least) is my destiny. A pioneer will go to places that have yet to be unsettled, untamed, untouched...and build. I have accepted that I am a pioneer. I will go, where I have been sent, and I will build, and I will touch lives, and I will bring hope, love and joy.

I am amazed and thankful at all the support I have for this future endeavor of mine. Please keep me in your thoughts, and remember me.


Jocelyn